The other day I wrote about a neighbor climbing the fence into our backyard without an invite, which could have turned very ugly had the wrong dog been unleashed. But it isn't the first time a gentleman caller has decided to enter my backyard unannounced.

After living in Tacoma a few months, Bob's Hogs and Weiner Pigs offered me a Pilot Position that included working from home. This was perfect for me, as I was tired of working in a store and ready to take on some new responsibilities. I happily packed up my digs and moved all my stuff into the home office, effectively rendering it useless to Frinklin and requiring him to purchase a laptop (but that's another story).

My office has a large window that looks out to the side of our house. I haven't bothered to put up any blinds or curtains up in this window as it's largely blocked by a huge butterfly bush. The butterfly bush allows enough sun to filter in to keep me warm in the winter, and shades the same hot sun in the summer. Since the bush keeps its leaves year-round, it provides a lot of privacy as well. Which is how I got to observe something completely unexpected one afternoon.

Sitting at my desk working diligently away on a price quote for a customer, I noticed movement outside the window from the corner of my eye. Looking up, I found myself a few feet away from a strange man who was slipping onto my property, working his way behind my house. Thinking he had seen me and would stop any moment, my heart began pounding, but the butterfly bush had kept me completely hidden, working like a one-way-mirror, although it appeared we were eye to eye.

As he passed out of sight behind the house, I leaped into action, calling The Jeffrey and running toward the back door. As I passed the hallway to the master bedroom with it's window facing the rear of the house I saw the man passing by and my heart sped even faster. With The Jeffrey's collar firmly in my grasp I unlocked the back door and stepped onto the rear deck, confident that the tall back fence would keep the intruder out. As an arm crept over the top of the barrier and began feeling around for the latch I spoke.

"What the HELL do you think you're DOING?!" I yelled, hoping I sounded much more authoritarian than I felt, and praying he didn't have a firearm of some sort. The arm whipped back over the fence. Footsteps began retreating. I slammed the back door and ran to the front where I threw open that door, still holding The Jeffrey's collar, him standing beside me, barking like mad. Two men stood in the alley beside my house, one brandishing a large 2x4, both looking pissed off. A glance to my left revealed the now-terrified-would-be prowler.

"Dude," I said to the man, "I don't know what you're thinking, "But I gotta whole lotta German Shepherd Pit Bull just waiting to eat your ass you if you got over that fence, so you're fucking lucky you DIDN'T get in MY BACKYARD!"

"That guy tried to get into my backyard too!" Yelled the man with the 2x4.

At this point, the prowler had turned quite pale and was just wanting to get the hell out of dodge. He had clearly underestimated the power of the Tacoma North Slope Historic District Neighborhood Watch Program. He chose the best course of action available to him when a woman with a raging 75 lb. dog and an angry man with a 2x4 are yelling at you - run like crazy. He took off down the alley with the 2x4 man hot on his heels screaming, "You think it's OK to walk into people's backyards? Huh? I'll show you!" The other neighbor began picking up rocks from the alley and throwing them at the prowler as he ran.

At this point I realized I had my phone in my hand. I must have picked it up automatically. I called 911 to report that a man was in danger of being beaten to death by two others with rocks and a board. I also mentioned the potential break-in. The operator informed me that an officer would come by my house to speak with me. I waited outside for a half hour, but no one came by. I also waited for the men to come back, but they never returned. Eventually a police car drove by, didn't stop, and turned the opposite way that they men had gone. Well done, Tacoma Police, well done.

I felt rattled by the experience for a couple of weeks. But we put locks on the gates to the backyard and make sure we keep the doors locked. And we still have the man-eating dog. And although I've never met those particular neighbors again, I assume they're still out there, keeping our North End backyards safe.

Posted by: Ensie at 12:26 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Did I ever write about the guy who tried to break into our backyard? I was reminded of it today when we let two (thank God it was only two - the friendly two!) of our dogs out in our fenced backyard before leaving for lunch. Surprisingly there was a man standing in one corner who, when Perdita appropriately barked and growled at the stranger on her lawn, swung his long-handled tree trimmer things (apprently they are called "loppers") at her. Thankfully, Frinklin called Perdi off before she was hurt and yelled at the guy to calm down. The guy began scaling the fence and said he was from next door and was preparing to cut back the tree in his backyard that hung over our fence.

"Next time, knock on my Goddamn door and let me know!" was Frinklin's reply, but the guy wasn't paying attention and was slipping over the fence even as I was walking out the door after hearing Frinklin shout.

"What's going on?" I asked as I saw a leg diassapear over the fence.

"Stupid guy in our backyard trimming his tree."

"Oh my God! What if we had let The Jeffrey out?" I stared at Justin. "You're lucky dude! I yelled, "If we had let our other dog out he would have ripped your legs off!"

"I've always been lucky!" came a voice back.

Dumbass.

I'll write about the backyard break-in story tomorrow.

It's been a long time since I've hated on some neighbors. Feels good. Feels real good.

Posted by: Ensie at 05:42 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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"Hi, can I come in? Thanks. My kids are sick right now and I need something to bring their fever down. Do you have anything? Maybe 10 or 12 pills?"

"Hi, can I come in? Thanks. Do you have any NyQuill?"

"Hi, can I come in? Thanks. I'm having some money issues right now and need to know if I can borrow $10 to pay for my anxiety meds. I get paid on the 1st or the 3rd."

How do you say no to a neighbor you really don't want to piss off?

Until recently we called this family in the rental across the street "The McCreepys" because, well, they creeped us the fuck out. I did my best to avoid them, although it's hard, since they are often on their porch, drinking *many* beers, and they love our dogs.

A few months ago Mrs. McCreepy saw our mail get stolen. She told me about it, and I thanked her profusely for letting me know. Since then, she will randomly knock on the door, invite herself in, dump all her problems on me, then plays with the dogs and cats for a half hour before asking me for something she needs.

Not only does it really bother me that she invites herself into my house, but I don't care to hear about how her doctor won't prescribe her narcotics, or her kid has lice (ew) and got sent home from school, again (double ew), or even, that her older child's friends are not allowed to bring guns into her house - they have to leave them at home(!!). I'm glad she feels comfortable chatting with me, but I'm really not happy with the apparent level of intimacy that we seem to have instantaneously developed.

And the money borrowing thing. That really bugs. It's not the money itself - I have the $10 she needs - it's the fact that we hardly know each other and she is asking me to loan her cash for a couple of weeks. I know it was probably hard for her to ask, and I know it sucks to need money, but there are places that exist solely to assist with this sort of thing.

And the fact that she has plenty of cigarettes and beer while asking me for money...don't even get me started there.

Help me out - internets. Is this normal and I'm just being touchy? Or can I politely tell her to shove it?

Posted by: Ensie at 02:53 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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