I watched the movie Comedian last night. For those unfamiliar, it's a documentary following Jerry Seinfeld's return to stand-up comedy with all new material. It also profiles a younger comedian, Orny Adams, looking for his big break. Yep, you read that right, Orny Adams. During his entire set the man does not say anything about his own name. He's a stand-up comedian, and not one word. How is that possible?

This movie made me really like Jerry Seinfeld, and really dislike Orny Adams. While Jerry is professional and relatively humble, Orny is arrogant and condescending to everyone. I was actively rooting for Orny to crash and burn. I feel bad, as he was moderately funny, but the fact that he was such a dick destroyed any chance that I would ever want to see him again.

He also really seems like the type of guy who would Google himself constantly to find out what the world is saying about Orny Adams. So, if you're reading this, Orny, FYI--you came across as a real dick in the movie.

Posted by: Ensie at 08:59 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I had to take a couple of days to calm down from seeing Lost on Wednesday.
What the hell is up with that Ethan guy? Where did he come from? I knew there was something wrong with him from the first time Hurley talked to him. And I knew the psychic knew about the plane crash. But knowing those things didn't make watching any less suspenseful. Watching the story unfold was worth it.

The best line in the show to date:

Charlie: "We could be friends. I could be your friend. I mean, we don't have to braid eachothers' hair..."

Posted by: Ensie at 06:53 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Frinklin and I got invited to a party today. Very exciting. When I mentioned it to Frinklin we celebrated having our first real married couple friends. That invite us to stuff.

Cool.

Posted by: Ensie at 05:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Wow. I feel dirty.

When I wrote that Closer could be the most pretentious movie of all time, I thought I was exaggerating. Apparently, I was dead-on.

I went to see it this afternoon. I’m really glad I was alone. I don’t think I could have sat next to anyone without keeling over from embarrassment and shame. The dialog was terrible and stunted, full of these grandiose, clunking statements that you could practically hear hitting the ground from their own weight (i.e.: “Why can’t you lie? It’s the currency of the world!” and “We have to forgive. It’s what separates us from the animals.”). Then different characters take these awful lines and reuse them in other situations…bleh. I hated them all the first time I heard them.

I have to wonder what Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts, and Clive Owen were thinking when they did this film. I canÂ’t imagine that this will up their Hollywood stock much. Or does shouting over and over (Clive, IÂ’m talking to you here) about your sex life in excruciating detail and in the most vulgar terms raise your acting value? I felt like I was watching a really bad experimental acting class that just got away from the instructor.

Lastly, let me send a quick note to the director:

Dear Mr. Nichols,

I understand that you are considered to be an excentric sort of genius in some circles. If you ever make a film again that involves Clive Owen, please don’t make him some sort of sex crazed, perverted freak. You made him look all friendly in the trailer, giving a balloon to a smiling Julia Roberts. What the trailer failed to show is that the balloon is a gift for the woman he thought he had just had some sort of weird anonymous internet sex with (who just happened to not really be Julia—I won’t get into that part here, you know what I'm talking about). And it was really nasty anonymous internet sex, and that he was going to meet her to fulfill some twisted fantasy. That rather tainted their relationship from the beginning for me. That and his weird screaming scene where he made Julia go into agonizing detail about her adulterous sex.

Thank you,

Ensie

PS--Hire a new editor.

Posted by: Ensie at 05:20 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Today is my wonderful husband's birthday. I'm so very proud of him, and the people at work can probably tell you how sick they are of hearing about every amusing thing he does. I'm so lucky to be married to such an incredible man, who is one day older today than he was yesterday.

I love you Frinklin.

Posted by: Ensie at 07:34 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Please don't ask me why we don't carry something when I've just told you we are happy to order it, but it isn't in our inventory. I know you don't understand why everyone doesn't want to read Animals and the Afterlife (the actual title I discussed with this person), but everyone really doesn't. If I say it's not there, it's not that I, personally, made the decision to kick it from our shelves (or in this case, never carry it at all), it's that some buyer somewhere who gets paid more than me didn't want it. I don't know his or her logic. And I told you, I can order it especially for you if you really need it. Leave me alone.

It's not my fault if you don't know the freeways in San Diego. I've given the directions, it's up to you to Mapquest it or whatever.

Don't return your 1973 third of The Generic Travel Guide to Bora Bora, insisting that you just received it as a gift yesterday, when the 45th edition is now on the shelf.

"The book is blue, and it has a butterfly on the cover," is NOT an adequate description of the book you are looking for. I can only do so much. I know books, but I don't have every title in our inventory memorized.

That is all. For now.

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How not to get a bookstore to carry your book:

Today I received a box via USPS Media Mail that contained 5 books, all hardcovers, none very impressive. The box had no purchase order listed on the outside (but did have "RE: Your book order" on it) and no invoice or packing list on the inside. There was an order form included with the prices of the books, which were exorbitant, to say the least. The order form also asked for $9.75 per book for shipping and handling charges (4 - 6 weeks to ship). Except that when you send things via Media Mail, I can see exactly how much you are ripping me off--it cost $5.76 to send all 5 books to me originally.

Now--the good part. No phone number was listed on the order form, so I did some research and found the publisher. I called and got the author on the phone. Our conversation was short:

Me: This is Ensie with Bob's Hogs and Weiner Pigs, and we received an order of your books today that we did not order. I need to return them, how would you like me to send them, and how would you like to pay for them?

She: Um, what books?

Me: Books you sent to us unsolicited. Books we will not pay for. Books I need to return.

She: Can you send them to another address for me?

Me: At our expense? (chuckle). Oh, no. No.

She: Shit.

Me: So, what would you like me to do with the books?

She: (long pause) I'll have to call you tomorrow.

Me: OK. My name, again, is Ensie. Do you want my number now?

She: No.

Me: How will you call me back then?

She: I have you on my caller ID.

Me: Oh, great! Then you'll recognize my number when I call you back if I don't hear from you tomorrow. Goodbye!

Don't think you can pull some lame scam on me. I know how it works...the holiday rush...books show up...we shelve them not realizing we didn't order them...and then you bill us for some crap we never would have ordered legitimately.

Hope you don't expect Bob's Hogs to EVER carry your books. I've already passed your info onto the Powers That Be. I'll be waiting for your call.

PS--I've been known to be very generous to small-time publishers and first-time authors if they contact me directly and want us to carry their stuff. Too bad you tried to rip me off first.

Posted by: Ensie at 06:41 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Un.Be.Lievable. What gall! It's like live spam. How bad is the book itself? Is it blue and has a butterfly on the cover?

Posted by: Eden at December 04, 2004 09:05 AM (Nix3e)

2 How did you know? Seriously. It does.

Posted by: ensie at December 04, 2004 05:11 PM (4k5pf)

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Ewwww.

Mashed potatoes and gravy?!?
Greenbean casserole?

Does anyone like fruitcake in cake form, let alone liquid?

What's really odd is that they all have no calories, no carbs, and no caffeine. It's the perfect soda, except for the flavors.

Shudder.

Posted by: Ensie at 08:42 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I'm thinking this might need to be a new feature in the blog. Each week (or whenever I feel like it) I can locate some crazy people, then let you all decide who is crazier. This week we have a couple of contenders:

A California teacher has been banned from using the Declaration of Independence in the classroom. Apparently, the facts that God and references to Christianity exist within the Declaration make it unsuitable for use in a 5th grade classroom. That's right--the Declaration of Independence.

I don't think we should have forced school prayer or teach Creationism from the Christian perspective in the classroom. But I'm really not OK with eliminating any and all references to religion, Christian or other. The first Amendment to the US Constitution states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..." Get it right people--it's freedom OF religion, not FROM religion. Our Founding Fathers acknowledged the existence of God, specifically the Christian God, and included Him in their historical documents. To erase religion from our past would require us to rewrite history and deny what made us. You can't change history because you don't agree with it.

The idea that people should be protected from anything that makes them remotely uncomfortable is ridiculous. I cannot understand this kind of logic. These same people are the ones that are often quick to point out that our diversity is what makes us great. You canÂ’t have it both ways.

The second person taking part in Crazy vs. Crazy is the really paranoid Mom from Texas who believes a school tradition could make kids gay. During Homecoming week the boys wear dresses and girls wear suits and they "reverse roles" for a day, known as "TWIRP" Day. "TWIRP" stands for "The Woman Is Requested To Pay," kind of a Sadie Hawkins Dance for the entire day. The Liberty Legal Institute stated, "It is outrageous that a school in a small town in East Texas would encourage their 4-year-olds to be cross-dressers."

Seriously? Cross-dressers?

Apparently, this parent in Texas has nothing better to do with her time than push sexualized ideas and messages on kids, instead of allowing them to have fun with a harmless tradition. This same mother does not have a problem with children dressing up for "Camo" Day, in which children will all wear camouflage. Apparently wearing camouflage doesn't predispose them to future bad fashion choices.

Posted by: Ensie at 06:26 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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You are 60% Leo

Found at All Things Jennifer

Posted by: Ensie at 06:40 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I'm afraid my computer has been taken over by this

of late. It's not that don't want to post, or even that I don't have anything to post about. It's that every time I trun on the damn computer my hands automatically guide me to the Zoo Tycoon 2 icon.

But you can all think Stina, my excellent wedding reception planner and wife of a man who works for Sony, for giving me a copy of Everquest II; the next game guaranteed to suck my life away while staring at a computer screen.

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Just a few short days after my post about Jude Law being the sexiest man right now, People magazine goes and copies me! More proof that I am always right.

Ah. Pretty, pretty Jude Law.

Posted by: Ensie at 06:57 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 He is purdy.... ;-) But it should be illegal to post Scott Peterson's photograph anywhere near Jude's. I hate that guy.

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at November 19, 2004 08:39 AM (ASges)

2 Jude Law is ok , not really my type. Is his movie good

Posted by: LaShaundra at November 19, 2004 12:34 PM (LULM1)

3 Indeed you are!

Posted by: Chana at November 22, 2004 07:02 AM (zmdK+)

4 Dawn--I have an irrational hatred of Scott Peterson also. Or maybe it's just creepy assholes who kill their wives. That must be it!

Posted by: ensie at November 24, 2004 08:52 PM (4k5pf)

5 LaShaundra--Yes, I thought Alfie was good. If that was the movie you were referring to. Although he has also appeared in (or will be appearing in) the following this year: Sky Captain: World of Tomorro Closer A Series of Unfortunate Events (voice of Lemony Snicket) The Aviator

Posted by: ensie at November 24, 2004 08:56 PM (4k5pf)

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Now, I love President Clinton as much as the next democrat, but doesn't this thing look like a giant mobile home?

Posted by: Ensie at 06:43 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The French woman is crazy. What's up with the whispers? What's the sickeness? Is that guy with the hives important? Are his hives important? Is Jack gay? Is Sawyer really coming around?

And most importantly--

TWO WEEKS! TWO!?! Are you kidding me? How can I wait TWO WEEKS? Isn't this November? Isn't it sweeps?

WTF?!

Posted by: Ensie at 09:07 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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What a letdown Halo 2 is. Frinklin and I played cooperatively and finished in just over 10 hours. There was a potential breakdown in blogging this weekend at Frinklin Speaks, but since we finished it so quickly, he's alreay posted his frustration with the game.

The graphics were better, the guns were fun, but the game has a familiar (not a homey, good familiar but a been there, done that familiar) feel to it with nothing all that surprising or different, except for the WORST ending ever. And that is including all the random Final Fantasy story lines (All the characters are adopted? And the villian is their foster mother?) Worse than THAT.

Posted by: Ensie at 10:08 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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With apologies to Zach Braff, my boyfriend. Oh, um, and my husband, Frinklin.

While we may not agree on Brad Pitt (see this for the first addressing of this issue, and here for my feelings on Brad's personal hygiene), Katie and I do agree that Jude Law may represent the most perfect specimen of manhood in the remake of the movie Alfie.

Oh my God. I'm such a twelve year old girl.

Posted by: Ensie at 06:09 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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The song that has been stuck in my head constantly and playing on my iTunes incessently.

This Damien Rice song was playing at the end of the last episode of "The L Word" and is the first song in the trailer for the movie "Closer" (which guarantees to be the most pretentious movie ever, and I can't wait).

Posted by: Ensie at 05:48 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Posted by: Ensie at 05:58 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I got my 5,000th hit last night. It came from Richard's blog, Pearly Gates.

Thanks Richard!

Posted by: Ensie at 05:54 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Ricola Lemon Mint Herb Drops "may have a mild laxative effect if consumed in large quantities."

Large quantites? Like the TWO that I sucked down this morning. I then spent the rest of the day listening to my stomach yell at me via various angry growls.

Posted by: Ensie at 05:58 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Hang in there, darlin'. Hope you feel better soon!

Posted by: Mediocre Fred at November 10, 2004 07:07 PM (mYTgd)

2 Trading a sore throat for loose stool doesn't sound like a very good tradeoff to me... ;-)

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at November 11, 2004 07:31 AM (wgFR5)

3 HHAAA that's horrible (and funny)

Posted by: Melissa at November 11, 2004 02:31 PM (MgIsg)

4 Thank you Fred. I feel much better. It only take a few hours for the evil cough drops to leave your system. And Dawn--no. Not a good trade off. The lesson learned here is: Always read the package information before taking anything. Loose stools are not really a good trade off for much, to be honest. And Melissa...here--would you like some cough drops? Just kidding. Glad you laughed.

Posted by: ensie at November 11, 2004 05:30 PM (4k5pf)

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